Number 5

50. When you’re a senior you don’t work anymore.

51. In Grade 3 I sat behind Annie Florax. I hated it because whenever we had a class party she would eat until she got sick and I had to clean it up. Looking back, it could have been worse; I could have been sitting in front of her.

52. Our catechism had pictures to display the effects of sin. A white milk bottle showed your soul if you were free from sin, a bottle with black blotches among the white was venial sin, and a totally black milk bottle represented mortal sin. Of course all the pictures were in black and white so it could have been chocolate.

53. I wonder how many people have had their fingers amputated by pull-tabs or by carrying cans out to the recycle bin with their fingers in the hole left by the pull-tab. There’s not even a warning or anything!

54. I used to drink one half dozen cokes per day. When I think about how people used to dissolve nails in the stuff, I feel like apologizing to my digestive tract. I have since found that the nail thing is an urban myth. Considering that it involves nails, it's probably a rural myth too.

55. I know this sounds irreverent, but I wonder if miraculous stuff like toast in the shape of Jesus and melted candles that look like the Virgin Mary has to be made out of virtuous stuff. Like, let’s say I found a piece of doggy poo in the shape of some holy figure – would it be worth a fortune on eBay or would I just get a lot of hate mail from Alabama?

56. There are more than two sides to an argument . . . like a dodecahedron or an outdoor hockey rink or something else with more than two sides.

57. Sticking up your finger to show displeasure is called the fig (honest). If people actually had to hold up real figs there would be less antagonism in this world. And fig farmers would become very wealthy.

58. I used to sit next to this really stupid kid in Grade 6 and I would often look at his math test while we were writing it to see how ridiculous an answer he had written. On one occasion the teacher caught me looking at the kid’s test and accused me of cheating. I said it was only cheating if it gave you an advantage, not ammunition for ridicule. He said that was an advantage.

59. Why do television manufacturers run commercials that show how superior their picture quality is? A guy who’s watching on a crappy set is going to say, “Doesn’t look much better than mine.”

60. You know how people throw money into any artificial pool or fountain so they can make a wish? I’ll bet swimming pools would be treasure troves if people weren’t forced to leave their wallets in the change room.

61. In 1958, when I was in Grade 6, I prayed that my Dad wouldn’t find out that I’d played hooky from school. It was that same evening I began to mistrust metaphysics.