37. I quit teaching because of teenage girls. Everyday some group or other would congregate outside my classroom and scream/babble about their latest boy or toy or both while holding hands and jumping up and down. It brought me to a new appreciation of 'infectious happiness' where infections are bad things that can kill you.
38. Whoever coined the term "as the crow flies" must have seen a crow on a very good day rather than in its usual course of meandering, punctuated by long periods of sitting.
39. Ambergris, also referred to as whale barf and a former a major component of perfumes, comes from sperm whales. I'm sure there's a joke in there somewhere.
40. There's nothing worse than people chewing with their mouths open except if they're eating a hardboiled egg. That's worse.
41. Can you imagine a grandpa in Haiti getting his grandson to pull his finger just when the earthquake hit? Talk about being scarred for life!
42. Why do people talk about opening a can of worms? Do worms even come in cans? Are there recipes?
43. People used to polish their teeth with urine. Honest. And Portugese urine was the most sought after. How could you tell it was Portugese pee? Did it come with a certificate of authenpissity?
44. I bought one of those cardboard shades you put in your windshield in the summer. It had a disclaimer in small print that said, "Remove shade before driving." Another Get Out Of Jail card in the game of natural selection Monopoly.
45. I wrote in Brian Jacobs' Religion book in Grade 9. I thought it was my book so I captioned the picture of Jesus spreading his hands to the multitudes with the quote, "Honest, it was thiisss big." When Mrs. Demers asked me if I was responsible I denied having done it - over and over again - and got away with it. I remembered all this later when I heard about Colin Thatcher.
46. When you are in an uncomfortable situation you are on TENTER hooks, not TENDER hooks. Did you think they had the pointy bit rounded off or covered with sheepskin?
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