Howie Morants

63. Dyslexics of the world UNTIE! I wrote this in my Religion book (see #45) in Junior High but most people think that Gary Larsen came up with it. I still don't know how he got his hands on my Religion book. I think Mrs. Demers was trying to get even . . .

64. I cut the crust off a piece of toast. I’m going to put it on eBay because it looks like Wyoming.

65. I think hockey players should use loaded rifles instead of hockey sticks. It would make stick handling harder and there wouldn’t be as many fights.

66. I got my lip cut open playing hockey. Before I got it stitched up I looked like I was smiling but I wasn’t. Seeing your teeth when your mouth is closed is no smiling matter. Unless they're in a glass. Even then it's not much to smile about.

67. I needed to have my lip sewn back together after hockey. The surgeon used a surgical drape that is normally used for circumcision. I tell people I have a kosher lip.

68. You know how some people say that they climb a mountain because it’s there? They’d never get away with that answer to a three-year-old. Or maybe they would.

69. In high school I carried around Kant’s Prolegomena to Any Future Metaphysics but didn’t read it until 10 years later. Now the debunking of metaphysics is a big preoccupation of mine. Coincidence? I think not.

70. So “fools rush in where wise men never go”? Most of the fools I’ve met don’t do a lot of rushing. They’re more liable to be the last ones out of a burning building. Wait. That’s rushing out.

71. Another one is “you’re only as old as you feel.” These words are usually uttered by old people in denial.

72. Most of you are too young to remember Ed Sullivan. Imagine one of those Easter Island statues with scoliosis.

73. So Scientologists believe that we are alien spirits encumbered by our attachment to our physical, material being? John Travolta is closer to being an alien spirit than most people. This would be true even if there was no such thing as Scientology.

74. Don Sroka, my best friend for part of Junior High, convinced me (by using a doctored tape recording) that Edmonton mayor Elmer Roper was the Masked Destroyer - a wrestling villain of the early sixties. I told everybody at school. Elmer Roper was 200 years old and looked like he was Gollum's consumptive twin. I was a very trusting person. I didn't know what 'gullible' meant back then.