This competition works on so many levels. With the proliferation of security firms, protection agencies and rent-a-cop companies, an opportunity to showcase lawbreakers and add to the general angst of security consumers is a virtual gold mine. Add to that the harsh training regimen for inmate-athletes, the fact that any appearance fees or royalties would accrue to the prison system (because convicts can’t profit from their criminality), and the natural appeal of themed events and you have a formula for unprecedented profit and watchability.
Imagine the commercial possibilities for showcasing criminals in two weeks of prime time. The crimes of some of the marquee competitors could run before their event leading to a commercial break sponsored by a leading security firm that specializes in that sort of felony – perhaps a bank robber in a slot for Brinks or a home invasion specialist, accentuating the need for a home alarm system. We are already sensitive to such crimes as identity theft – so why not feature a fraud artist in a commercial to accompany young offender figure skating?
Prisons the world over would profit immensely from these games. Current exercise programs to encourage inmate fitness could be ratcheted up to the eight hours a day most world class athletes put into their sport. No more lounging around the cell and making improvised weapons, rather a punishing regimen of mindless strength training with no time to plan escapes nor energy for shower room dalliances. And any convict that catches the public or advertising imagination would earn notoriety as well as much needed financial resources for his/her institution since laws could be enacted to broaden current prohibitions on profiting from ones crimes. Since one has to be a criminal to participate in these games, criminality is a precondition and, therefore, any profits garnered as a result could be seen as profiting from the crime itself.
What about the exciting new Conolympic events that such games would engender? How about a 15 kilometer cross-country that starts in a compound surrounded by fences topped with razor wire? Or a slalom course where competitors go around the gates rather than through them? Figure skating for fraud artists where the judges would be competing for the medals and the skaters drawn at random from juvenile detention? The biathlon for Mafia hit-men where the penalty for missing would be becoming a target for the next round? The four-man getaway bobsleigh? Short track speed skating for death-row inmates who have lost their last appeals? Long track for lifers? The latitude for innovation is almost limitless.
In your mind’s eye, can’t you all but see the Olympic rings morph into five sets of colourfully barred windows? In an age where people are increasingly afraid of their own shadows and the inequity between the rich and poor guarantees an increase in criminal activity, the Conolympics could fill a niche that security firms would be all too happy to promote and endorse. Besides, with our “law and order’ Conservative government, we should have enough citizens behind bars to mount a realistic attempt to steal the podium.
Higher Faster Stronger Farther Guiltier
