Rant1

1. I told the cashier at the express checkout, “The sign should say, ‘9 items or fewer’.” She said, “Do you have a Safeway Club card or Air Miles?” 

2. Do they call it “scat” because somebody made the lyrics go away? 

 3. Removed because of adult content. 

4. To those people who think the horse should get the award in equestrian events, rather than the rider, what would happen in downhill ski racing? The winner of the last billion Olympics would be named either Fischer or Rosignol. Wouldn’t that be fun? 

 5. I want a ring-tone on my phone that says “Fuck You!” very loudly, a thousand times. After all, isn’t that the implied message of everybody else’s cell phones?

 6. A few years ago, Tim Horton’s advertised a game where you rolled up the rim to win. The promotional poster also said, “No Purchase Necessary”. I think they called the game “Paradox”. 

 7. I was at my uncle’s funeral when I was a kid. As they were lowering the coffin I remembered the pet turtle I buried and said to my aunt, “Maybe he’s just hibernating.” 

8. I was passing a young woman on the sidewalk and she stopped and yelled at me, “All men are animals!” I said, “Okay.” I mean, how do you respond to something like that? “No, we’re not.”? Then she’d just say, “Are so” and I’d say, “Are not” and so on and the bus would just go right by. 

9. If what happened in Haiti was part of God’s Plan, does that make it 'premeditated' murder? 

10. There’s this old joke that goes, “Never ask a leper to give you a hand.” It’s a little creepy if you change it to, “Never ask someone suffering from Hansen’s disease to give you a hand.” 

 11. I used to tell students who walked backwards in the hallways that, if they turned around really quickly, they would run into themselves. It made them think. 

12. How come it’s a miracle when one person out of a hundred survives. What about the other 99? Where was their miracle?