Rant2

13. I was worried about my carbon footprint and then I remembered Donald Trump.

14. When I look at my daughter’s iPod I wonder what the a to hPods were like.

15. I've always wanted to meet someone who worked in scatology so I could say, “No shit?”

16. My dad once ripped a book he was reading in half because my mother nagged him. He always peeked at the ending when he read so it was kind of a Pyrrhic victory for my mother.

17. I think the obits should just say what people died of. Forget all that “leaves to mourn” and “lovingly remembered by” crap, I want to know what diseases or misadventures to be wary of.

18. My parents taught me never to talk to strangers. I don’t have a lot of friends.

19. If you listen to people to get your thrills does that make you an ecouteur?

20. This homeless guy asked me for a dollar. I said, “Get a haircut.” He said, “Okay. Give me nineteen ninety-five.”

21. Pat Robertson thinks that the earthquake was the result of Haitians making a deal with the devil to get rid of the French. I figure Chad, the Congo and Viet Nam had better brace themselves. I wonder where Preston Manning is right now . . .

22. I’m confused when people say my father is in a better place. He’s dead. Just about anything is better than that. Except Morinville.

23. I heard that when opera singers are doing a duet they spit all over each other. Kind of takes the charm out of things. Sorry. It’s right up there with ballerinas bleeding into their shoes. Sorry again. So these are cultured activities?

24. To those people who find joy in suffering, get a cat.

25. I’m suspicious of people who overuse the word ‘love’. It reminds me of elementary school and saying the Hail Mary so often that you could practice your times tables and think about what you wanted for dinner without missing a ‘thy womb Jesus’.

26. The number of angels that can sit on the end of a pin is a direct function of which end we’re talking about.