Final 20 base 8

85. The reason that police aren’t allowed to go on strike is very simple: they would have to club THEMSELVES on the picket line. 

86. Say the word 'flush' over and over to yourself, at the top of your voice, 10 times. Make sure you are not in a public washroom or standing behind a poker player when you do this. 

 87. Why do we still have expressions like ‘throwing down the gauntlet’ and ‘running the gauntlet’? Nobody wears gauntlets anymore. Especially in Canada because we often wipe our nose with our mitts in the winter. 

88. Speaking of freezing stuff to iron, I never did the tongue frozen to the monkey-bars thing. There are some potentially painful life experiences like defusing bombs, free climbing and base jumping that are better left to adrenalin junkies. I’m saving my adrenalin for running away. 

 89. Why is American Football called Football? The foot and the ball rarely meet and are definitely not in a compound word relationship. They could call it ‘Tossball’ but then nobody would come to the games. Except the sexually ambiguous. 

90. If a rolling stone gathers no moss, what’s that green stuff all over Keith Richards? 

91. My father once told me I could find sympathy in the dictionary between ‘shit’ and ‘syphilis’. It’s a lot easier just to Google it but then it’s not as much of a fatherly advice sort of thing. 

 92. Some people have no sense of humour. I was the only person in the theater to laugh when Paul Newman got shot in Cool Hand Luke. Lighten up people! 

93. I taught a Phys Ed class to some 8 year-olds. I had them running laps in the Gym after lunch. A number of the kids slipped on what I had presumed were raisins that someone had dropped and forgotten to pick up. Turns out one of the students had had an ‘accident’ before the rest of them did. 

 94. Lying to children is the worst thing that anyone can do. Unless you’re a teacher. Then it’s called ‘curriculum’. 

 95. They say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Tell that to Mrs. Lemp, my Grade 3 teacher. All the other kids thought it was funny, though. 

96. I worked with a woman who kept Kleenex up her sleeve. She would blow her nose and stuff the tissue back in her sweater. I was waiting for someone to say, “I bet she’s got something up her sleeve” like she was plotting something and I would have said, “Snot’. 

 97. I think Ogden Nash’s poetry style was a result of his parents naming him Ogden. With that kind of start it would be hard to take anything too seriously. Nothing rhymes with Ogden.

98. I used to have this irrational fear of needles. Now that I have diabetes it has become a rational fear. 

99. What if  we had no thumbs? How would we hitch-hike? Would we still use metric? Would we have to index finger our noses at authority?

100. I heard that the word 'fat' was offensive and would even be removed in certain circumstances. The history books will contain entries like Yasser Arablank, Blanks Domino and Blanks Waller, that pool legend Minnesota Blanks, and Blanky Arbuckle. The Iranian government will only be able to declare a blankwa against unbelievers, the A-bomb dropped on Hiroshima will become Blank Man, Mardi Gras will become Mardi Blank, things that kill you will be blankal, something silly will be blankuous, and when you're tired you'll be overcome with blanktigue.  Fates (oops, blankes) similar to to those of the word 'fat' await: old, dumb, gyp, ugly, stupid, mother , father, boy, girl, and crazy.